I want to tell you a little bit about me and my experiences learning as a child and teenager. I am telling you not because I want you to feel sorry for me, but because I want you to know that even though I may not know EXACTLY how you feel, I could have a pretty good idea of how you might feel. I don't know if this is true for you, but I know that when I meet someone who I can see parts of myself in, I don't feel as lonely inside. It also gives me hope that I can get through this painful part and still have a good life, and be happy in the future, even if I feel pretty bad in the present.
I hated school!! I lived for weekends and summer camp at the YMCA. Saturday during the school year was the best day as far as I was concerned because there was no school all day and I could stay up late (I hated bed time)! There was no homework! I always had Sunday to pretend to myself that I could do homework, if I did happen to have any.
In the summer the backs of my brown thighs burned on the green plastic "Miami YMCA" bus seats going to and from camp, or on the way and back from the pool. Eventually the sting would warm up to my flesh. Then my thighs would just slosh and slide and slurp as the sweat from my legs dribbled between skin and seat. On the sharp turns I would glide across the seat from the window to the isle or back the other way. I loved it! Partly because it was fun, but mostly because I never got in trouble, the kids were nice to me, and the adults made me feel special, and like one of the "Good Kids."
School was totally a different deal!!! I realized I was wayyyy different from other kids in first grade. We were at lunch...
This was just the beginning. After that it just got worse!!! Like in Kickball...
Not one teacher from first to sixth grade made them stop calling me "Gross Man." or taught me how to kick the ball!! I am a rock climber now and I can swim a half mile of butterfly, so I couldn't have been totally hopeless at sports! I just needed some help and an adult to stick up for me. Someone who thought hurting kids' feelings was as important as hurting kids' bodies.
I hated school for many reasons. Kickball, all team sports, was one reason. The other reason was that it was the single place on earth that I felt the absolute STUPIDEST! That's pretty sad, huh, feeling stupid in school!
This was one of the many reasons I felt so stupid, my "special" one on one help, one teacher, one me, and one too many flash cards...
Of course it was not "ass," it was "as," as if her treating like I was supposed to remember would actually make me remember! I just couldn't remember how the word sounded. I couldn't hold the sound in my head. So I couldn't remember it to tell her e v e r y week! I taught myself to remember the word eventually, but not the way she taught me, my own way!
Now I think you get the idea. Socially and academically I did not fit in at all. Academically I managed to continue to get D's and, F's from first through twelfth grade, with an occasional C or B thrown in. I barely graduated high school with a whopping average of...D minus!
As I am sure you can guess I got in trouble at home as much as I did in school. I lived alone with my mom and prayed for a big sister to come into my life and teach me how to be "good." It never happened. My mom tried, but it was hard for her, and I had a lot of learning problems that she didn't know how to fix. It wasn't her fault. She did her best. It wasn't my fault. I did my best too. I just didn't know it for a long time. For many years I believed what the grown ups said," I'm lazy." " If I really tried, I could get good grades and be a good girl. Well, I was trying, but I didn't get good grades. People still thought I was lazy. I thought it is impossible to Get bad grades and be a "good girl," so I must still be bad. Eventually (by the time I was in 2nd grade), I stopped trying, except for the beginning of each new school year when,"everything was gonna be different this time," a vow already broken before it even had time to reach God's ear.
If you hear the voice in your head in any of my words...
If you see yourself in any of my pictures...
If you know deep inside you are a good person,
but sometimes you donšt feel like one
because of stuff going on at school...